The wind within me


Palms raised to the stained glass
Crafted by the hands of conviction—
You reach for the false image of God in the form of man
No longer reaching for the love He brought together
Arms spread in surrender
Your fingertips linger in the cracks of the alter

Searching for what your eyes cannot touch
Numbing your knees to drown in prayer
Laying down false burdens to pacify the pain
Crutched by the cross you burden so willingly
by the indifference in your tone of arrogance to explain a false truth
my heart crumbles under the weight of words I never thought to hear

Every time I miss you I want to journal to you—
about you
Letting my words find understanding in your eyes
compassion in your heart
I’m shaken

Shaking senseless
Loss of senses
In this madness
Shaken like the foundation of a house that once stood tall
now barren and broken
Like the ribs that crack under the pressure of carrying my heavy heart

like the leaves that don’t know when to fall to embrace the next season
I fell
harder than the wind that leaves my chest to breathe without you
faster than the words ‘I love you’ left the entrance of my lips
Regret and tears fill my lungs and chokes out the life of love I once knew
My eyes blurry to the person standing before me now

Surrounded by echoes that sigh with worry of my absence—
I am no longer here
Lost to the memories of a past I never wanted to leave my present

My feet are planted in this place
The weeds of a poisoned love constructing space
How can I speak against the love that is His Amazing Grace?
No sweet sound—
Only the depreciation of the love you couldn’t live without
But now preach against because of fear

Gripping you like the anchors of the world dragging you into a false sense of security and hope
My existence crumbled to dust
Not because of the hurt, but because of a union that was once a must
Finding literal meaning in ‘God We Trust’
But he could not lead us according to Leviticus
Translated in so many tongues but one word rings true—

You’re looking for everything
I have found nothing
No more—
The thought of my light in bodily form
Butterflies in my stomach for no one
Agents of anxiety take their place
My cup half empty
Yours overrun with revelation

I have yet to see what the truth reveals
Only religion’s veil to maim you
Cripple your love to force your devotion
Squeezing the love from your prayers and your pockets

Losing you introduced me to something new—
Like the catapult of a bullet through the chamber of a gun
Claiming the victim on the other end
I relish in the moment of bitter sweetness to think of you again
Placing you back into the heart that’s empty save one tie now broken

The string mauled by religion to rip you from the comfort of where I made your home
Dreaming of the perfect drug to not kill but revive
To find peace among the swarm of thoughts and emotions that ravage my soul
Substitution my resolution
Inebriation my only solution
I am broken
Pushed from every pedestal that elevated me beyond humanistic conjecture

Only you—
My judge and jury
My heavenly purgatory
I risked everything for you
Opened my heart beyond the stretch of my chest cavity
Making room for a broken heart to mend

I had nothing left in my artillery to fight
You’ve pushed me away long enough—
You win
While I hold it all in, holding on to that grin
That carried me through this loss within
Begging for release from sadness’ unrest
I want to cry out but in your absence I digress
The loss of your love has muted my pain
My heart numbed to disdain
I won’t feel

Asking God to take my heart and keep it for me
To give me a fighting chance to see beyond these material things
Like the shards of broken glass that find their way into my backbone
Making it hard for me to walk away from a love I didn’t choose
He should be able to quench this emotional drought to make me whole again
Hoping He’s the bridge to mend
Hoping He’s a means to an end
Not able to cope with my reality so I let my spirit transcend every now and then—
To the place I once knew as bliss
In arms that held me tighter than the chains of damnation that hold you now
A change of the guard for your heart by force
Leaving me with the key only for you to change the lock

Hands trembling as I write
Unable to make out the words to rid me of the lump in my throat
Threatening to make a fool of me with unexplained longing
Because you are no longer mine to have
Feeling the emptiness in every room I walk into
Every familiar face
none of you
Slipping into the welcoming arms of loneliness
Arms bound to my knees to restrict the knots in my stomach
Aching to seize my sanity and pull me under grief

Help me—
Help me,

I’m shaking